What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
