Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
