Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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