I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
