what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
