i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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