she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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