I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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