the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
