You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
