also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
