just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
