ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
