hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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