I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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