I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
