I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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