so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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