I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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