cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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