ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
