ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
