This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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