someone owes me an orgasm
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
