your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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