she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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