just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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