highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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