You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
