capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
