I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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