Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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