remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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