He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
