so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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