I would go down on you faster than GM stock
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
zippers are such a cool invention
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
