your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
