there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
