dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
