cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
