Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
