Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
