P.S. I can't hear my feet
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
