There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
me + whiskey = a bad person
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
