I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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