Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
