so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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