So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
