frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
