1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
