youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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